DEAR GRANDMOTHER | OCTOBER 2012

Dear Grandmother,

Julie texted this picture to me this week.. she said she found it in one of your cookbooks. It's from my 21st birthday in 2006. You and Poppa flew up to "surprise" me, but the surprise was really on you because neither of my parents could get away to meet you at the airport.. so they sent me instead :) hehe.

We went out to lunch, the three of us, before meeting everyone else for dinner, and that's when this photo was taken.

Julie's been at your house going through boxes and helping to sort and clean and make room for change and it's just hard for everyone. I have your wedding china, and your set of silverware, a ring, a bracelet, a crockpot and some luggage. It's strange, Grama. All your things are being sorted and distributed and sold and and and.

Your 51st wedding anniversary would have been next month, and it will mark the one year anniversary of when I first put your rings on my hand. The month after that, we'll all be gathering in SF to celebrate Poppa's marriage to someone new and somedays I'm so happy for him that it makes me feel guilty. Because I'd still rather have you. But he's moving on, and at some point I guess we all have to accept that as reality, because it's all there is.

In the last email you sent me, you told me to "Enjoy - don't worry about what isn't or try to rearrange what is. Life will come along anyway so just roll.." How did you know it was something I'd need to hear over and over again? It's still one of the hardest things for me to do. But I'm trying.

I mean, it's easier and it's harder and I miss you and we're all doing okay but it's not the same. That doesn't mean that it's bad, or wrong, it just means that we all have new roles to fill. My limited experience with change has at least taught me that it always gets better, because even when things are in upheaval around us, we are the constants, and because change is the one of the best catalysts for growth.

So, thanks. For that, I guess. For making us grow and preparing us for new things.
You always did "know best" didn't you? 

Miss you always.
Love, Jen


// We lost my grandmother, suddenly and quickly in March of 2011. Death always seems to shift one's perspective and losing her really did make me evaluate a lot of things. I knew I wanted to write more for her, but I didn't have a clear focus or idea of what that would look like. She loved to write and to speak, she had an amazing way of putting thoughts together. She also loved her family and loved creating memories together. She was one of my biggest advocates, always encouraging me and pushing me to be creative and use the talents I have. Which is why, in a lot of ways, I keep writing. Because of her influence. I write to remember, and I write to honor her. And some days, I write to her, because it's the only way I know how to keep her close.