I wrote the title of this post before even thinking about what it means... So I guess we'll see where this goes.
I miss my routine. I miss knowing what is expected of me and when. I miss fitting my life into and around my responsibilities. Instead I'm sort of picking and choosing and having to remember to find a place to fit in those responsibilities AS WELL AS the rest of life and I really just need them to find a home already.
The current "rhythm" isn't consistent either. It's fast at times and slow at others, and it's completely unpredictable.
I already know where this post will end. It's going to end with me deciding that I need to learn to find a way to balance the two... maintain the freedom and flexibility that rhythm allows and at the same time create structure and routine in the areas that require it, the places that need to be consistent and stable.
:) blah blah blah
But I still don't know how to get there. Or how to do that.
We sit down and make goals often. Because they change often. Because life keeps changing. And our priorities keep shifting. And honestly sometimes I don't know up from down, and it's still okay. I guess it's just the season that we're in. We are still transitioning. James is still in the inbetween zone with his work.. we have good weeks and then we have down weeks and we still can't predict what it's going to be like. Financially or otherwise. We won't really know for a few months yet. And I have to learn how to be okay with that.
I hate limbo. I've never appreciated or desired to stay in a place of "not knowing" what to expect. how to plan. where we're going.
Confession: I'm a planner.. sometimes I like to think I'm a dreamer, but really I'm a down-to-every-last-detail-don't-deviate-from-the-plan planner. And I have to learn to let go of a lot of things. I have to be okay shifting course and changing my mind.
But changing my mind has always felt fickle to me. Like it's something to avoid. Because I want to be dependable. I want to "do what I say", "keep my word". I want people to know they can count on me to follow through. But I often don't. Because life changes. And, I'm learning that sometimes it's actually irresponsible to "stay the course" when it could hurt us, just because it's what I said I would do.
This is all over the place today. But I'm sort of all over the place lately.
Routine. I need one.
I understand how you feel. I hope that kind of peace and beauty finds you soon.
ReplyDeleteI love this! I'm getting serious with Aaron Martinez. Remember him? And I'm so excited about our future together. But I know it's going to be tough to let go of my routine, that's perfectly fitted around MY responsibilities and MY finances and MY family. I feel myself getting so excited about sharing my life with someone else, but a little part of me is mourning the loss of single life, where I do what I want when I want, just because I can!
ReplyDeleteUltimately, I know it will be worth it. It's just all new to me and I'm glad I'm not the only one that appreciates a good planner! :) Love you Jen!
I'm just going to throw this out there....I'm a "it's because I said I would" kind of person, regardless of if that ends up being a hinderence to myself and my life, if I said I am going to do it, I do. One of the things I have learned is that it helps to be non-committal...to a point. Learn to not set yourself in stone, be flexible, and be honest. If you have a plan, follow through the best you can. If that plan changes, know who that impacts and let them know truthfully why it has changed.
ReplyDeleteI love that you end it with "I'm learning that sometimes it's actually irresponsible to "stay the course" when it could hurt us, just because it's what I said I would do." I have never thought of it in this light and I think that is because what could "hurt" me has always been irrelivant because "I can handle it". As I am learning to think of myself as an us this will be a huge learning curve for me and I am glad that you wrote about it. Thanks for the insight.
I love this post, Jen. Mostly because I can SO identify with everything you've written. I know that you will do great things, no matter what it is: beauty school, etc. it's more than okay to change your mind a million times until you find what works. At least that's what I keep telling myself ;)
ReplyDeleteboy do i hear you on this one. i just had a meltdown about it the other day, as a matter of fact. we are all learning and really, i think you are ahead of the curve.
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