AUTHENTICITY

I had another blog before I started this one.. Well, to be completely honest, I have had several.

I collected them the way you would buy a new journal when you need a fresh start. I made plans and outlines and decided on topics and then those plans and dreams changed. So I started again. And again. And again.

And then I decided to shove them all into one place, a place I like to call the Vault. It was a password protected blog, only open to a few close friends, and it was my safe haven. It was the place that I voiced my frustration, my fears, my worries, my anxiety, my anger, and wrote about all the uncertainties I stumbled through... And it was amazing. We were our own tiny little community. 

I wanted that community to grow. And I wanted to learn how to write in a way that I didn't speak badly about anyone, a way that forced me to still find the good in every situation and required me to be kind and sympathetic, supportive and encouraging. So I created this blog when we got engaged. Another fresh start :) In some ways it was a symbol of starting a new chapter of my life, one that I knew I could count on would never change, and never end, this story of the Spaniard and me.

I thought that having a public space would help me to do that. Help me be authentic and honest.

But it really hasn't.

Because I'm too aware that this place is wide open, to anyone. And that is pretty scary.

All of that to say that I was reading through some posts in the Vault this morning... and I miss it. I miss writing with abandon. I miss putting my thoughts into something coherent (well, sometimes) and sharing and learning from a community of trusted friends. I want so badly to be able to be authentic in this space, but I have too many self-imposed walls still lingering around me.

I'm going to keep trying though.. That is my biggest goal for this little blog. I want it to be an accurate representation of my life, to help me remember, to have something to look back on. To find my voice and create the life I want.

So. I'll keep writing. I'll get there :)